“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of His mercy.”  Titus 3:4

I find myself sitting here on the river banks of life wondering what the heck is becoming of our world? The more I rub shoulders of the people around me the more I see this law at work. We all have this broken thing inside of us that we are trying to fix.

I came to understand this broken thing at an early age. Growing up Catholic I remember my first confession. I wasn’t quite sure what “sins” were exactly so I made up some lies about “sinning”. I came into the dark  booth with a veiled window between me and the priest and wondered is this what God is like? Is He some mysterious person who has created a invisible shield between us to protect me from His power? Is this how a loving Jesus acts?

I told the priest that I teased my little sister. A perfect lie I thought to myself. Surely this “sin” would be good enough to get some of that penance I was trying to earn. I didn’t expect to get questioned about it and soon found myself lying about my sins to a man I couldn’t see. I could sense disappointment in his tone and the quantity of Our Father’s he gave me.

So at an early age I found that telling lies, a fisherman’s trait, could bring me to a point of guilt which in turn would disappoint my heavenly Father and make Him unhappy.

For the past 16 years I have been unraveling this mystery of who God, Jesus, and the truth of how He feels towards me is really based on. It was 16 years ago that I caught a glimpse of Him for the first time. He wasn’t an invisible man in a darkened closet as I thought. He was inside my thoughts, closer than the blood running in my body and warmer than the comfort of my fire place. I found Him alone. In my living room in my greatest fear without anyone to tell me who He is or how He behaves. I didn’t find Him in church, on a Christian radio station, or going through seven spiritual laws. I was scared to death, fearful of spinning off into an empty abyss, or having a heart attack and dying. I needed a remedy. And nothing else worked.

After exhausting all alternatives of Tai Chi, hypnotism, meditation and soul searching I found that that conscience I had in my childhood needed repair. There was a broken item inside me that needed to be fixed and no matter how hard I tried the things the world had to offer only gave me a temporary solution. I needed something outside to reach in.

I picked up an old Bible that I found in my son’s room covered with dust. It was a present I received as a young man. When I tried to read it then it was confusing. There were no references to soccer or Three’s Company or familiar subjects like math and English. I read through Job and some of the proverbs back then and it just felt like I was reading a cooking recipe for my mom’s chicken soup. But this time in my living room things were different.

I understood that I was broken. And was ready to find help. Not knowing where to turn I opened my Bible to the middle and pulled it apart spreading open Psalm 27 before my eyes. As I began to read the first verses I felt something different than I ever experienced before. The words seemed to crawl up off the pages up my out stretched arms and underneath my shirt into my heart. The priest had turned on a light inside the confessional and ripped down the curtain between us. And I saw a smile. It was grace.

This is the remedy. It was what drives me today to live passionately and abundantly. It is what I keep going back to over and over when I feel I need to cure this brokenness. I find it in the loving stare of Jesus. It is not based on my good deeds and perfect church attendance. Not on how I perform on this blog or how many prayers I send up to Him. Not on my spiritual disciplines or Bible reading. I find it at the cross. It is based on His love for me which He proved on Calvary. His grace stands alone…and He holds me with both hands face to face…and all I see is love in His eyes for me..This is the remedy.

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Coming up to the river with anticipation I feel my stomach jumping inside like there is a bull frog loose in my gut, this place is new to me, and it’s here where I fall in head first. I haven’t ever been to this place before and the life I see in her is more real than the skin over my flesh and the hawks soaring above in the pastel blue sky and white puffy clouds. I feel free to be myself, free to take my time before placing myself inside her. I want to make this river my own, place my stamp on it, claim it, wade in it, and drink of it. Yet the river is it’s own and I need to allow her to warm up to me. So here I am, by her side, adoring, taking off my shoes and letting my toes dip into the cool edges of her grassy green banks.

When I saw her from the distant country road my truck nearly lept off the embankment and sent me running after her. This river is pristine, valuable, and beautiful, but she has been treated like an outsider viewing the empty beer bottles broken against her side and worn remnants of magazines tattered with scars of disrespect. I take some of the garbage and dispose of it into my truck bed. How could nobody notice her? Fools! And I feel like a child discovering a great treasure! Like opening a trap door into a mysterious tree fort adorned with thick rugs and magic kits.

It’s here I want to build a home by her side. If only I could wake to the sound of her gurgling and churning. I can already picture a log cabin alongside the bend with a wood stove fire giving the windows a soft warm glow of comfort and hope. And on the porch a rocking chair carved from oak making the boards beneath creak repeatedly until one falls asleep. A small vegetable garden which reaches beneath the alluvial material to draw enough water to feed and nourish big red tomatoes and succulent sweet corn. On a pleasant evening I would glance over my shoulder at my home with two feet planted in her current and gently raising my rod for my first cast and breathe a sigh of ecstasy. Oh, my dream…this new place…it feels like I can almost reach out and touch her now…

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“Make yourself at home in my love.”  John 15:9  The Message

“You didn’t chose me, remember, I chose you…” John 15:16  The Message

Jesus is so amazing!!! I love Him so very much, because He loves Me. This morning I woke up with Him on my mind and wanting, desiring a special touch. He speaks to me in whispers very frequently and when I’m abiding in His love I can hear those things He says. I asked Him to speak a little more deeply into my life this morning. I pressed in where I should press in. Into His presence.

There is this thing in me that needs Him more than any other affection and It is something He gave me in His Son. He knows me like the River knows me and searches my mind for elements of connection. The current, the eddies, the pocket water, the falls, the sounds, the colors, the shapes, the smells, and the way the River feels. He knows all of these places in my heart.

I don’t know why he chose me except that His love is beyond my imagination. How can the Creator of the universe know this little speck on the planet and reveal Himself to me in a way that my Spirit cries out to Him in thanksgiving? Today He spoke to me again. Fresh. Fresh wind and fresh fire dousing me with love.

He knows my every thought and He is ok with that. He knows my short attention span and of course He is ok with that too. He made me after all. And today He loves me for the passion He created in my heart too. A passion to serve Him, know Him and let Him be known. He made me a light not to be hidden under a bowl…but to love the way He loves me! I’m His! Wholly His..and He knows me…yes..He knows me well..

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“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  Hebrews 13:8

Yesterday on the river was one of the best I have ever had! Did I catch anything. No. But my experience was unique and a reminder of how precious every moment we have here on earth is. God told us all our days are numbered and we have enough time each day to live it completely. His mercies are new every morning and live one day at a time are avenues in which we can create small stories within our bigger story.

I tend to live in the moment and try to suck as much out of a day as I can. I get up early and already my mind is searching how to spend the day. I often get caught up thinking that there won’t be a tomorrow and force myself  on others. I press in. Yesterday was unique because I was told that I have some more tomorrows and that I don’t have to press in so much today. I’m thankful for their perspective into my life. It really has taken me all night and this morning to see that. Their patience has slowed me down…a tiny bit. I know my nature is to press in and yet I feel I need this other side to relax some. Balance. It’s what I miss many times.

Now I’m aligning myself with Christ who is in yesterday, today and tomorrow. I’m asking Him to settle me in more, to have more balance and to be freer this way. Such a heavy burden to take off my shoulders and yet I wouldn’t have seen it if they didn’t speak it to me. I’m thankful and a little scared and a little closer to where I need to be to reach into my story with my casting hand…

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So many emotions running through my mind as I lept off the rock anticipating the slap of the water below me some 57 feet. This was an area of freedom and joy stirred together with exhilaration and pure adrenaline. I have climbed these canyon walls so many times and yet there is always the threat of  a rock slipping out or a foot hold to break. Dangerous? Very! Yet I continue to push myself into these places.

I have often thought that my need for excitement stemmed from some inner rage or need to have a thrill fix and maybe some of it is, but there’s more than that. There’s the fact that I am a man and as men we need the challenges that take us to the edge of ourselves. It’s a different scale for each one of us, but by failing to fight these battles will leave us emasculated and bored. To live a nice quiet life without any distractions. Really? I can’t believe that so many men choose to settle for such mediocre lives.

I believe personal challenges are healthy because they stir our hearts and makes us more confident to be who God intended us to be. Jesus would challenge us if He were to visit us. He challenges me everyday. By getting out in the raw organic nature of the Sierra  feeling the granite under my feet and scraping my knees on the pine logs I hop over is all part of the conditioning for the other trials I face.

This stirring in my heart needs to be satisfied. If not I will collapse into a puddle of  TV and couches slugging my way through the day with little motivation. I feel alive when I fly fish. It makes me want to share my faith in God with others, because God is so incredible and He is just waiting to challenge us with the outdoor wonderland He made! Jesus is calling me to the River and He knows me…He’s calling you too if you will only take a risk…Let Him stir your imagination and pull you away from the mundane..Listen..He’s talking now…

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