“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we have done, but because of His mercy.” Titus 3:4
I find myself sitting here on the river banks of life wondering what the heck is becoming of our world? The more I rub shoulders of the people around me the more I see this law at work. We all have this broken thing inside of us that we are trying to fix.
I came to understand this broken thing at an early age. Growing up Catholic I remember my first confession. I wasn’t quite sure what “sins” were exactly so I made up some lies about “sinning”. I came into the dark booth with a veiled window between me and the priest and wondered is this what God is like? Is He some mysterious person who has created a invisible shield between us to protect me from His power? Is this how a loving Jesus acts?
I told the priest that I teased my little sister. A perfect lie I thought to myself. Surely this “sin” would be good enough to get some of that penance I was trying to earn. I didn’t expect to get questioned about it and soon found myself lying about my sins to a man I couldn’t see. I could sense disappointment in his tone and the quantity of Our Father’s he gave me.
So at an early age I found that telling lies, a fisherman’s trait, could bring me to a point of guilt which in turn would disappoint my heavenly Father and make Him unhappy.
For the past 16 years I have been unraveling this mystery of who God, Jesus, and the truth of how He feels towards me is really based on. It was 16 years ago that I caught a glimpse of Him for the first time. He wasn’t an invisible man in a darkened closet as I thought. He was inside my thoughts, closer than the blood running in my body and warmer than the comfort of my fire place. I found Him alone. In my living room in my greatest fear without anyone to tell me who He is or how He behaves. I didn’t find Him in church, on a Christian radio station, or going through seven spiritual laws. I was scared to death, fearful of spinning off into an empty abyss, or having a heart attack and dying. I needed a remedy. And nothing else worked.
After exhausting all alternatives of Tai Chi, hypnotism, meditation and soul searching I found that that conscience I had in my childhood needed repair. There was a broken item inside me that needed to be fixed and no matter how hard I tried the things the world had to offer only gave me a temporary solution. I needed something outside to reach in.
I picked up an old Bible that I found in my son’s room covered with dust. It was a present I received as a young man. When I tried to read it then it was confusing. There were no references to soccer or Three’s Company or familiar subjects like math and English. I read through Job and some of the proverbs back then and it just felt like I was reading a cooking recipe for my mom’s chicken soup. But this time in my living room things were different.
I understood that I was broken. And was ready to find help. Not knowing where to turn I opened my Bible to the middle and pulled it apart spreading open Psalm 27 before my eyes. As I began to read the first verses I felt something different than I ever experienced before. The words seemed to crawl up off the pages up my out stretched arms and underneath my shirt into my heart. The priest had turned on a light inside the confessional and ripped down the curtain between us. And I saw a smile. It was grace.
This is the remedy. It was what drives me today to live passionately and abundantly. It is what I keep going back to over and over when I feel I need to cure this brokenness. I find it in the loving stare of Jesus. It is not based on my good deeds and perfect church attendance. Not on how I perform on this blog or how many prayers I send up to Him. Not on my spiritual disciplines or Bible reading. I find it at the cross. It is based on His love for me which He proved on Calvary. His grace stands alone…and He holds me with both hands face to face…and all I see is love in His eyes for me..This is the remedy.
PM
